Ahimsa And The Control Factor

Being married to a literalist Christian I feel the impulse to strangle him sometimes. I even blog about our mutual frustrations. (Managing Stress entry.) In some of the earlier days of our marriage it seems I swung wildly between wanting to scream at him or hug him and kiss him.

And other times I lie beside him and can literally feel the purity of his soul. I think to myself, "this is a bright spark" and can look far beyond the flaws we argue about so frequently.Words don't matter. Sometimes we coexist better in silence and facial expressions.

I had a roommate once who I honestly wanted to physically hurt in the morning. She'd let her snooze button go off like, oh... fifteen times... before getting up. The walls were thin. We worked different shifts. I was losing sleep. I finally lost my cool one morning and stormed into her bedroom, ripped out the alarm clock, opened up the window, and tossed it outside. Not my most shining moment, I admit. I could have handled that better.

My point is that I cannot control other people. I can only control me. But that also means that I should not feel badly for their rotten decisions or ignorant behavior. Overdraft your checking account? What do you want me to do- sit there for an hour while you rant and scream about the evil bank? ummm... no. I'm not a martyr and I won't sit passively and act like one. I can give you good advice, though, on how to not have it happen again. Then again, sometimes silence is golden. Letting other people work out their own problems is a good thing.

The Buddhist term "ahimsa" --to do no harm to a living creature-- applies not just to those times when we are contemplating going vegetarian or seeing someone neglect an animal. Ahimsa applies every single time we open our mouths. This Gandhian interpretation of ahimsa means being mindful of the result our words can have is one giant step toward gnosis. Why? Because if your eyes are truly open and so is your heart, you cannot in good conscience injure another being. In gnosis you see and feel that spiritual connection between you and the other person. Why would you injure yourself? Both you and the other person are part of the fabric of Pleroma. You are literally cut from the same cloth.

Still confused with the visualization?

Try this: imagine the irritating person in front of you as a younger and more immature version of yourself. You will be a lot less inclined to speak in anger. This younger and more immature version of yourself has not had the life experiences you have had yet; so how can you be boiling angry at simple inexperience? It's like screaming for a baby to shut up when all they want is to be held and fed. The baby is doing what he is meant to at that stage in his life. And so should you.

With gnosis and the concept of ahimsa physical age isn't a factor. An eighty year old could have the mental age and control of a ten year old.

Granted, there are times when it is essential to make your point and yeah, we're only human; we will fail at controlling our temper. It's going to happen. We're not Vulcans and we certainly don't have to act like we are. But slowing down, relaxing the muscles in our face, belly breathing, ..... all that... in those steps.. can make all the difference in the world in how you handle yourself when upset with something somebody did.

When dealing with a person who has bad habits, leaves you to clean up their messes, is irresponsible, and just plain doesn't seem to give a damn about anything you are not expected to just accept their bad behavior. The way I see it you really have three options. The third has interchangeable terms for obvious reasons, for all the different types of relationships which exist.

1. Get mad, yell, and forcefully try to change the person's behavior.
2. Detach and don't take it personally. Try logic and reasoning. If this doesn't work then you're left with option number three.
3. End the relationship/divorce/separate/move out and move on
   

A person only changes if they meet the two following requirements:

1. They have been convinced through logic and reasoning that it is within their best interest to change and
2. They want to change.
   

If those two requirements are not met then you're basically talking to a brick wall. Breathe and move on.


PS. Talking to your children about ahimsa works!! We have regular discussions about 'harmful things' we do or say to one another. You'd be surprised at the kinds of things children pick up on and will actually use if you remind them to.