Finding Peace- Solo

The chronic pain illness I suffer from has been whipping my butt lately. You wouldn't know it with as many posts as I put up but it takes me ten times longer to write them than it has in the past month or so. It makes thinking in a linear process like wading through pea soup. So I write, rewrite, scrap it, and then write some more. All in the hopes that my thoughts are cogent and readable to those who stumble across this blog. I hate being indecisive. But when my thoughts are so scattered it makes it difficult to come to a definitive conclusion at times.

So I ramble. I'm not going to ramble here. But I would like to make a round-about point concerning the state of BEING scatterbrained and how it relates to gnosis. Try this: sit quietly for ten minutes with your eyes closed. No touching, speaking, tuning into outside sounds, and more importantly- falling asleep! You'll discover just how much your body and brain crave external stimulation.

Gospel of Thomas 28

Yeshua said,
I took my stand in the midst of the world,
and I appeared to them in flesh.
I found them all drunk
yet none of them thirsty.
My soul ached for the human children
because they are blind in their hearts
and do not see.
They came into the world empty.
But now they are drunk.
When they shake off their wine, they will repent.

We're like raccoons who are enamored with shiny objects. When we don't have any playthings we look around for something new to distract us and entertain us. But distract us from what? From ourselves. And our own minds.

I read a story once, really can't remember where, which told of a monk who really frustrated his family and friends. They believed he had lost his mind because one day he simply stopped moving. He stopped eating. He stopped talking. He would go long stretches of these 'fasts from the world' and when he returned he was quite disturbed by everyone around him. Unhappy. He would feed his body and then after a few days would return to another 'fast.'

I can relate to this. Since my initial education began with lay gnosis I have had more than a dozen days/instances where I have become lost inside my own mind. Fasting accompanies it for at least twelve hours. I simply lose the urge to eat or engage people in conversation. I feel like I need space to be. And by lost in my own mind I don't mean crazy 'lost'. Just immensely entertained. Coming out of the state the first time I found that I was deeply disappointed with my life. Namely, the many things which I had collected. Physical objects which I discovered really held no meaning for me any longer. No purpose. Just clutter. Not even useful things. Many trips to the dump later I was happier than I'd been in years. Just by throwing away my belongings. Is this crazy? It doesn't feel like it. I am happier for it.

By entertained, I mean that I saw and felt a new dimension of reality. Think of playing in a sandbox with your best friend. Having the best conversation EVER with that friend! Talking about the meaning of life, why our sun is yellow, and any other mundane topic off the top of your head. And then add layers of understanding to those answers. Reasons. The very purpose and emotions of the being behind it all. There is no ego in that entity's answers. No selfish pride or demands for This or That. Not even a single admonition about how long I've been away. The All doesn't have an ego. But it does possess a type of clarity which is nearly alien to our own understanding of existence. And so this makes it difficult to describe. We're so accustomed to human egos and motivations that it taints our understanding of concepts like creation, destruction, evolution of emotion, free will, and the like.

Sometimes he'll give you small snippets of verses to consider. New ones written just for you. Old ones you've read and forgotten about. It's random. And sometimes it's purely For Your Eyes Only.

Ya know, I said I wouldn't do it but I did. I rambled. I'm sorry.

Getting back to my point, to be human is to be scatterbrained. It's hardwired in us. And if you're ill then you're more scatterbrained than a normal human tends to be. I fight for clarity because to not have it as easily as I used to frustrates me and makes me so angry I can hardly fight tears some days. But when it comes to pleroma I've discovered that it is not through a forceful sort of aim for clarity which dispels this human condition(even when you have a medical condition). It is a release of restraint. An exhale. It takes practice and it doesn't always happen. But when it does it is beyond the greatest feeling you have ever known. Peace. Pure peace. You want to wallow in it. Play in it. Roll around in it. And more importantly- learn more about it because you want to return there again when you feel the need. The demands of everyday life take such a toll on us we need a vacation spot that we can run away to from time to time. And interestingly enough it's right inside our own souls.