"Everything I did in my life that was worthwhile I caught hell for."
Earl Warren
1891-1974
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
We're only human
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Keep looking for those 'answers'
Einstein said, "the important thing is to not stop questioning."
But does the Right Answer exist? .... I don't think so. I think it's all subjective to our own mindset and circumstances. In most cases there's going to be someone who feels they were Wrong and the Right person is just a jackass. Or vice versa.
I don't want to be in a coma, metaphysically or physically. Or religiously. But the past few months I've been questioning things that are more mundane and it leaves me truly befuddled how disillusioned we can become (and continue to be!!) just to continue to 'not rock the boat.'
I am speaking of relationships, obviously; one I can't change easily. Like I tell my two stepsons, "you can't change people, you can only nudge them or influence them." I wish I could take my own advice sometimes. I feel like I've got a big fat granite boulder sitting on top of my neck instead of a real cranium with a brain contained therein.
So now the question evolved into, "what am I going to do?" I can't change this person. I can nudge, influence, shout and scream, but at the end of the day nothing will change this person's behavior because they don't see the danger in it.
But does the Right Answer exist? .... I don't think so. I think it's all subjective to our own mindset and circumstances. In most cases there's going to be someone who feels they were Wrong and the Right person is just a jackass. Or vice versa.
I don't want to be in a coma, metaphysically or physically. Or religiously. But the past few months I've been questioning things that are more mundane and it leaves me truly befuddled how disillusioned we can become (and continue to be!!) just to continue to 'not rock the boat.'
I am speaking of relationships, obviously; one I can't change easily. Like I tell my two stepsons, "you can't change people, you can only nudge them or influence them." I wish I could take my own advice sometimes. I feel like I've got a big fat granite boulder sitting on top of my neck instead of a real cranium with a brain contained therein.
So now the question evolved into, "what am I going to do?" I can't change this person. I can nudge, influence, shout and scream, but at the end of the day nothing will change this person's behavior because they don't see the danger in it.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Anti-Gnostics
A few months ago I found a Christian site devoted to rooting out the 'scourge' that is Gnosticism. Great read! I really enjoyed it. It's always nice to know what ten layers of hell people are wishing on you. Or just how confused they are about gnosis. This was their home: (http://www.intotruth.org/apostasy/NewGnostics.htm) This is the only link I have. It's dead now. The whole site is gone.
I did a search for some of the following quotes from a particularly enlightening article but found pieces of it all over the place. Narrowing it down I discovered that it was part of a sermon called "Understanding the New Gnosticism" by Don Clasen. It is now listed in its entirety on the SermonIndex.net site here: http://www.sermonindex.net/modules/articles/index.php?view=article&aid=11018 The portion I am quoting below is found about ten paragraphs from the bottom in the full length sermon.
Mr. Clasen's sermon is cringe-worthy. He jumps all over the place between the literal interpretation of holy scripture and what he thinks gnostics believe. You have to be really careful about how you read it or you'll get lost in the maze of his rationale. (I think I found our modern Irenaeus, btw.) He says:
Unworthy?!! RELIEF from the TYRANNY of self-consciousness?!! You mean relief from responsibility. That's what this ultimately boils down to. If you don't have to THINK then you can't be held responsible for your sheep-like actions.
That's it. You've convinced me and converted me. I'm throwing all my sins on Jesus and leaving my brain behind. I am 'washed in his blood' and am now sinless. I draw the line at voting Republican, though, just because that's what my church says I should. My ballot is between me and the Lord.
The fact that Mr. Clasen believes gnostics are to be vilified because, "They're always seeking for some newer and deeper revelation of God and His Kingdom" says a bit about what he believes a relationship with God should be like: one sided and boring as hell.
He also says: "Gnostics generally tended then to one of two extremes in dealing with life. Either they became ascetics, in an attempt to starve the flesh to death so to speak. Or they became libertines because since the flesh was evil, it is not part of the "real you" which is spiritual because it's been "enlightened" by Gnostic "revelation".
And that, my dear readers, is a line straight from the infamous Irenaeus himself.
From a masochist to a hedonist? ...Yes. I have to agree with him on this point. It's all about finding a balance. We do tend to veer off to extremes at times. And so do the Literalists. The Franciscan order is quite comfortable with the concept of ritualized self-flagellation and I haven't seen any skeletal looking clergy in quite a while; most are pleasantly plump. Pot/kettle, much?
I did a search for some of the following quotes from a particularly enlightening article but found pieces of it all over the place. Narrowing it down I discovered that it was part of a sermon called "Understanding the New Gnosticism" by Don Clasen. It is now listed in its entirety on the SermonIndex.net site here: http://www.sermonindex.net/modules/articles/index.php?view=article&aid=11018 The portion I am quoting below is found about ten paragraphs from the bottom in the full length sermon.
Mr. Clasen's sermon is cringe-worthy. He jumps all over the place between the literal interpretation of holy scripture and what he thinks gnostics believe. You have to be really careful about how you read it or you'll get lost in the maze of his rationale. (I think I found our modern Irenaeus, btw.) He says:
"It's interesting to note that after Adam and Eve ate of the tree, the first thing they noticed was that they were naked and they hid themselves. The implication is that until then they had the glory of God clothing them, the very presence of God. That removal of Himself from them was when they spiritually died, as it ruptured their walk with Him.
But it also had another consequence. They now were stuck with an undue self-consciousness, a consciousness of their own selves. Before this, they were conscious of themselves but the presence of God was an even stronger consciousness. And to this day, people partake of an endless quest to "get back to the Garden". They will take drugs, meditate, dance, chant--do lots of repetitious things, in order to enter into an "altered state of consciousness".
Why? Because they want relief from the tyranny of self-consciousness for a while. Perhaps it's because we instinctively know we're unworthy, and that there's Someone or something out there worth plugging into."
_____________________________________________
Unworthy?!! RELIEF from the TYRANNY of self-consciousness?!! You mean relief from responsibility. That's what this ultimately boils down to. If you don't have to THINK then you can't be held responsible for your sheep-like actions.
That's it. You've convinced me and converted me. I'm throwing all my sins on Jesus and leaving my brain behind. I am 'washed in his blood' and am now sinless. I draw the line at voting Republican, though, just because that's what my church says I should. My ballot is between me and the Lord.
The fact that Mr. Clasen believes gnostics are to be vilified because, "They're always seeking for some newer and deeper revelation of God and His Kingdom" says a bit about what he believes a relationship with God should be like: one sided and boring as hell.
He also says: "Gnostics generally tended then to one of two extremes in dealing with life. Either they became ascetics, in an attempt to starve the flesh to death so to speak. Or they became libertines because since the flesh was evil, it is not part of the "real you" which is spiritual because it's been "enlightened" by Gnostic "revelation".
And that, my dear readers, is a line straight from the infamous Irenaeus himself.
From a masochist to a hedonist? ...Yes. I have to agree with him on this point. It's all about finding a balance. We do tend to veer off to extremes at times. And so do the Literalists. The Franciscan order is quite comfortable with the concept of ritualized self-flagellation and I haven't seen any skeletal looking clergy in quite a while; most are pleasantly plump. Pot/kettle, much?
Picasso's Vision
Pablo Picasso said, "Painting is just another way of keeping a diary."
On that I feel I must agree to a certain extent. As a sporadic painter I most often feel driven to pick up a brush when I am at my most sensitive and vulnerable. Most of the time I am not quite sure what I want to express until after it's already out there and on the paper/canvas/board. And as this quote of Picasso's jumped out at me from the tag on a bag of tea this afternoon(Good Earth brand, Black Tea "Tropical Peach" YUM!) it has stayed in my heart the rest of the evening.
As I dug through my files of art I tripped across this old painting and I wanted to share it with you. I think it would be closest to what Picasso is talking about, at least for me personally.
When I was a toddler I drowned in a pool. I lay there on the bottom staring up at the sky. This is what I saw(click on it for a better view):
This watercolor painting/collage on board was done in 2007. I don't have the original any more. Once I was done with it I scanned it and then destroyed the actual painting. I felt free. So here you go. Here's a page out of my 'diary.'
On that I feel I must agree to a certain extent. As a sporadic painter I most often feel driven to pick up a brush when I am at my most sensitive and vulnerable. Most of the time I am not quite sure what I want to express until after it's already out there and on the paper/canvas/board. And as this quote of Picasso's jumped out at me from the tag on a bag of tea this afternoon(Good Earth brand, Black Tea "Tropical Peach" YUM!) it has stayed in my heart the rest of the evening.
As I dug through my files of art I tripped across this old painting and I wanted to share it with you. I think it would be closest to what Picasso is talking about, at least for me personally.
When I was a toddler I drowned in a pool. I lay there on the bottom staring up at the sky. This is what I saw(click on it for a better view):
This watercolor painting/collage on board was done in 2007. I don't have the original any more. Once I was done with it I scanned it and then destroyed the actual painting. I felt free. So here you go. Here's a page out of my 'diary.'
Monday, September 5, 2011
Islamic Words of Wisdom
"What is the best type of Jihad [struggle]?" He answered: "Speaking truth before a tyrannical ruler."This contradicts the following scriptures in such a stark way that it seems impossible the same person(or group of people) wrote the Qur'an.
"Whoever desires a religion other than Islam in the next world he shall be among the losers."
"One may be negligent toward God but one must be respectful toward Muhammad."
Universal love is invisible, it seems. Like 'magic' ink it disappears on paper and if it's not visible then it can't possible exist. But if it's written on the heart it is eternally visible.
And so seekers of gnosis are left picking piecemeal bits of wisdom from the Qur'an just like any other spiritually inspired text.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Heavy Words of Gnostic Wisdom From Socrates
"There is a doctrine uttered in secret that man is a prisoner who has no right to open the door of his prison and run away."
"Wars and revolutions and battles are due simply and solely to the body and its desires. All wars are undertaken for the acquisition of wealth; and the reason why we have to acquire wealth is the body, because we are slaves in its service."
"Wars and revolutions and battles are due simply and solely to the body and its desires. All wars are undertaken for the acquisition of wealth; and the reason why we have to acquire wealth is the body, because we are slaves in its service."
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Pre-Christian Era Gnostics
The Roman Vitruvius writes: "Let no one think I have erred if I believe in the Logos."
Orpheus was claimed to have said, "Behold the Logos divine. Tread well the narrow path of life and gaze on Him, the world's greatest ruler, our immortal king."
Logos is described by the earliest Church fathers(whose doctrines directly stemmed from gnostic ideas!) such as Clement and Origen, as being the "Idea of Ideas," or God's primal thought. As if the Oneness of God were a thought or idea that we can barely describe because the actuality of it is so complex. Or so simple and profound that it does not yet have the ability to be described in any spoken language we possess. It's like saying that you remember the first breath you took once you left your mother's body. Was it conscious or not? What were your first thoughts? Again, the idea of the birth of life itself is so immense that most gnostics are left writing poetry and riddles.
It's interesting because gnostics across the globe who have come to gnosis alone and in solitude, once they begin talking to one another they speak the same language. They use similar metaphors to describe their journey or the feeling of closeness to the All. So there is something they all share; something innate, intimate and abiding; patiently waiting for the right moment to spring forth. I believe it is the very thing Orson Scott Card wrote about in his line of Ender's Game books: the philotic web theory.
Heraclitus said in the sixth century BC, "Logos is shared by all," and "Having hearkened not unto me, but unto the Logos, it is wise to confess that all things are one."
Origen also said, "As our body, while consisting of many members, is yet held together by one soul, so the universe is thought of as an immense living being, which is held together by One Soul- the power and the Logos of God."
Orpheus was claimed to have said, "Behold the Logos divine. Tread well the narrow path of life and gaze on Him, the world's greatest ruler, our immortal king."
Logos is described by the earliest Church fathers(whose doctrines directly stemmed from gnostic ideas!) such as Clement and Origen, as being the "Idea of Ideas," or God's primal thought. As if the Oneness of God were a thought or idea that we can barely describe because the actuality of it is so complex. Or so simple and profound that it does not yet have the ability to be described in any spoken language we possess. It's like saying that you remember the first breath you took once you left your mother's body. Was it conscious or not? What were your first thoughts? Again, the idea of the birth of life itself is so immense that most gnostics are left writing poetry and riddles.
It's interesting because gnostics across the globe who have come to gnosis alone and in solitude, once they begin talking to one another they speak the same language. They use similar metaphors to describe their journey or the feeling of closeness to the All. So there is something they all share; something innate, intimate and abiding; patiently waiting for the right moment to spring forth. I believe it is the very thing Orson Scott Card wrote about in his line of Ender's Game books: the philotic web theory.
Heraclitus said in the sixth century BC, "Logos is shared by all," and "Having hearkened not unto me, but unto the Logos, it is wise to confess that all things are one."
Origen also said, "As our body, while consisting of many members, is yet held together by one soul, so the universe is thought of as an immense living being, which is held together by One Soul- the power and the Logos of God."
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Amy Winehouse = Nina Simone Reborn?
Veering off the road a bit from the topic of gnosis I'd like to pay tribute to two wonderful singers.
Beyond listening to the song "Rehab" and watching the crazed news blurbs about her drunken and drug induced states of mental instability, I honestly have not followed much of Amy Winehouse's career. However when I learned of her death today I took a few hours to look back over her life and work. I came to the stunned realization that Nina Simone had been reborn! ....and then we lost her again. It happens like that, though. Musicians flit in and out of this world in the blink of an eye and most of the time are only appreciated after the gravestone has been set in the ground for a good decade or so.
Now Amy's career was nowhere near as prolific as Nina's, however her look, deep vocal tone, flare for the bold and dramatic.... it's all there. Even right down to the abuse of her patrons, unfortunately. If only she could have stayed away from the drugs and booze Amy might have had a fighting chance.
Wiki: Writer Josh Tyrangiel praised Winehouse for her confidence, opining, “What she is is mouthy, funny, sultry, and quite possibly crazy."
Yep. Sounds a lot like my beloved Nina!
Financial success does not make a person happy. But I don't think that financial success would have made either woman happy because their desires so drastically clashed with the reality of what they were being offered and had access to.
I look at Nina's life and it is one royal disaster after the other. Her biography reads like the worst sort of fate that the three bitch Fates could have possible concocted out of sheer spite. Combine undiagnosed(for at least 20 years)schizophrenia with a pair of golden lungs and a con-artist for a record label manager and.... you've got a recipe for disaster! Fortunately for her fans Nina did not succumb to despair, she just strapped on her boots and kicked in doors that much harder.
What makes my heart hurt the most when reading about Nina's history in the music industry is how little she is appreciated for her contribution. Ask most any jazz fan who their top five favorite singers are and they'll give you the same old generic list. Ask them who Nina Simone is and you're lucky if one of them says, "Oh, that crazy lady who died hiding out in France?" erm.. yes. That one. And the same lady who is known as the High Priestess of Soul.
And the worst part is that she HATED being linked to the jazz genre!! She wanted to be known for her talents on the piano, not her voice. I fell in love with her from the very first time I heard a strangely neuter voice singing "Wild is the Wind," a sad ballad in the movie Point of No Return. To hear "Sinnerman" in the Thomas Crown Affair always makes me want to stomp my feet and clap in time. Nina is everywhere now! But she is still not covered anywhere near as much as she deserves. In any jazz or soul compilation album you're pretty much out of luck to see anything at all of Nina. She was burned by the music labels and she burned more than a few bridges with them with her bad behavior. I think that her absence from compilation albums is in direct relation to these labels still being irritated with her past fall(s) from grace.
"Four Women" will make you cry and "Pirate Jenny" will have you grinning and cheering for Jenny as she 'scrubbing these floors while you're gawking. Maybe if you tip me and it makes you feel swell in this crummy old town in this crummy old hotel.. but you couldn't ever guess to who you're talking. No, you couldn't ever guess...' Jenny gets her revenge in the end. I think Nina did, too.
Nevermind that "Pirate Jenny" was written in 1931 for a GERMAN opera! - Nina managed to bring this extravagant tune to life once again and gave it relevance in the 1960-1970 era of intense civil strife. It is to this day one of my top five favorite songs.
If Nina's "Mississippi Goddamn" was boycotted back in 1964 and Amy's "Rehab" (and various other adult themed songs)was met with uneasy acceptance then I think our society has at least matured enough to embrace singers and song writers to show us what we makes us squirm to see in the mirror. We may not like it but we are forced to at least acknowledge it; to confront our sense of unease and analyze it further.
If you read this blog post and do nothing else today, please listen to Nina's live recording of "Mississippi Goddamn." This 'show tune... but a show hasn't been written for it... yet' is still so very relevant today. Nina tells us to Wake Up! Act! ... and it isn't such bad advice.
Rest in peace, Nina and Amy.
Beyond listening to the song "Rehab" and watching the crazed news blurbs about her drunken and drug induced states of mental instability, I honestly have not followed much of Amy Winehouse's career. However when I learned of her death today I took a few hours to look back over her life and work. I came to the stunned realization that Nina Simone had been reborn! ....and then we lost her again. It happens like that, though. Musicians flit in and out of this world in the blink of an eye and most of the time are only appreciated after the gravestone has been set in the ground for a good decade or so.
Now Amy's career was nowhere near as prolific as Nina's, however her look, deep vocal tone, flare for the bold and dramatic.... it's all there. Even right down to the abuse of her patrons, unfortunately. If only she could have stayed away from the drugs and booze Amy might have had a fighting chance.Wiki: Writer Josh Tyrangiel praised Winehouse for her confidence, opining, “What she is is mouthy, funny, sultry, and quite possibly crazy."
Yep. Sounds a lot like my beloved Nina!
Financial success does not make a person happy. But I don't think that financial success would have made either woman happy because their desires so drastically clashed with the reality of what they were being offered and had access to.I look at Nina's life and it is one royal disaster after the other. Her biography reads like the worst sort of fate that the three bitch Fates could have possible concocted out of sheer spite. Combine undiagnosed(for at least 20 years)schizophrenia with a pair of golden lungs and a con-artist for a record label manager and.... you've got a recipe for disaster! Fortunately for her fans Nina did not succumb to despair, she just strapped on her boots and kicked in doors that much harder.
What makes my heart hurt the most when reading about Nina's history in the music industry is how little she is appreciated for her contribution. Ask most any jazz fan who their top five favorite singers are and they'll give you the same old generic list. Ask them who Nina Simone is and you're lucky if one of them says, "Oh, that crazy lady who died hiding out in France?" erm.. yes. That one. And the same lady who is known as the High Priestess of Soul.
And the worst part is that she HATED being linked to the jazz genre!! She wanted to be known for her talents on the piano, not her voice. I fell in love with her from the very first time I heard a strangely neuter voice singing "Wild is the Wind," a sad ballad in the movie Point of No Return. To hear "Sinnerman" in the Thomas Crown Affair always makes me want to stomp my feet and clap in time. Nina is everywhere now! But she is still not covered anywhere near as much as she deserves. In any jazz or soul compilation album you're pretty much out of luck to see anything at all of Nina. She was burned by the music labels and she burned more than a few bridges with them with her bad behavior. I think that her absence from compilation albums is in direct relation to these labels still being irritated with her past fall(s) from grace.
"Four Women" will make you cry and "Pirate Jenny" will have you grinning and cheering for Jenny as she 'scrubbing these floors while you're gawking. Maybe if you tip me and it makes you feel swell in this crummy old town in this crummy old hotel.. but you couldn't ever guess to who you're talking. No, you couldn't ever guess...' Jenny gets her revenge in the end. I think Nina did, too.
Nevermind that "Pirate Jenny" was written in 1931 for a GERMAN opera! - Nina managed to bring this extravagant tune to life once again and gave it relevance in the 1960-1970 era of intense civil strife. It is to this day one of my top five favorite songs.
If Nina's "Mississippi Goddamn" was boycotted back in 1964 and Amy's "Rehab" (and various other adult themed songs)was met with uneasy acceptance then I think our society has at least matured enough to embrace singers and song writers to show us what we makes us squirm to see in the mirror. We may not like it but we are forced to at least acknowledge it; to confront our sense of unease and analyze it further.
If you read this blog post and do nothing else today, please listen to Nina's live recording of "Mississippi Goddamn." This 'show tune... but a show hasn't been written for it... yet' is still so very relevant today. Nina tells us to Wake Up! Act! ... and it isn't such bad advice.
Rest in peace, Nina and Amy.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Gay Marriage in NY
I think I woke up in the Twilight Zone this morning. This article greeted me on the front page of MSN. New York state passed gay rights marriage laws.
excerpt:
Ohhhh! Yeah. The money. Some big money gay Republicans have finally come out of the closet and have used their checkbooks to buy votes.
If the cause wasn't a worthy one I'd be slamming my head on my keyboard right now in frustration with our money-bag-gagged political system.
In any case, congrats NY! This blogger is happy that couples finally have the choice to be together in whatever committed way they see fits their needs and desires.
excerpt:
That shift was precipitated by the emergence of a growing constituency of pro-gay-marriage operatives and donors in the Republican Party, whose direction on social issues is still largely set by its culturally conservative base.
“There is an important change going on among Republicans and conservatives,” said Kenneth B. Mehlman, a former chairman of the Republican National Committee.
Mr. Mehlman, who acknowledged his own homosexuality after his tenure at the national committee had ended, was among a group of Republicans who helped raise money from prominent Republican donors to support the same-sex marriage effort in Albany. Those donors underwrote much of the cost of the same-sex marriage advocates’ advertising and lobbying campaigns.
Among increasing numbers of conservatives and Republicans, he said, there is the conviction “that freedom to marry is consistent with conservative values.”
ermm... last I checked Republican was synonymous with anti-abortion, upper-middle class white people from suburbia who still believe the Vietnam War was justified, who look around saying, "Agent Orange what?" Maybe I'm oversimplifying this a bit but this political shift is too damn shifty to say exactly what is going to happen next.
Some good:
“They’ve shown a way to actually get a bill through a Legislature,” said Richard S. Madaleno Jr., a Democratic state senator in Maryland and sponsor of the marriage bill that was shelved. “And I think we’re going to use some of the same lessons, the same tactics, in Maryland over the next six months.”Good... and yet- I'm still scratching my head over this. The Democrats had the majority and they couldn't manage to pull it off. The Republicans get put in the Big Boy Chair and all of a sudden it passes?!!! The Republicans voted against it the first time around! Why the change of heart?
Ohhhh! Yeah. The money. Some big money gay Republicans have finally come out of the closet and have used their checkbooks to buy votes.
If the cause wasn't a worthy one I'd be slamming my head on my keyboard right now in frustration with our money-bag-gagged political system.
In any case, congrats NY! This blogger is happy that couples finally have the choice to be together in whatever committed way they see fits their needs and desires.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Reflecting on Death
It has been two months since my last post. Between my two kids finishing up with final school projects, my side business needing remodeling, my husband driving me insane from being home due to short term disability..... my head has been spinning. I've barely had time to breathe let alone write anything cogent here.
So the kids get done with school, we pack their bags so they can go up and spend the summer with the first wife, hubby is healing and on his way back to work.... and just as I'm getting settled in to get this house in order again I get one phone call after another giving me bad news after bad news. I'm wondering when it's going to stop. Deaths happen in threes, it seems.
Last week my grandfather died at the age of 82. I just went to his funeral today. Military honors and all. It was sweltering hot, everyone was sweating through their clothes and I have to say that we were (all 150 of us) holding up quite well until the Taps was played. Then we discovered there was a severe shortage of tissues. My twelve year old niece was sitting on my mother's lap and when the three shots were fired she screamed and had to be taken to the car. She and Grandpa were close and she was just plain devastated and traumatized by the whole thing.
My nephew(by marriage) was killed in a hit-and-run this past Saturday. That funeral will be this Friday. My poor brother-in-law drank himself silly the day after it happened. Mother and I took food over and sat with him and my sister. He started yammering on and on about killing the guy who killed his son and then sobbing about how wrong he was so say such things. All I can say at this point is that our whole family has gone slightly psycho this past week.
THEN tonight, only hours after getting home from my grandfather's funeral Mom calls me and tells me that a longtime friend of ours died on Monday. He was living with family in Joplin, Missouri when the tornadoes broke out. He had cirrhosis in his liver among other things. He'd been bed bound for a while. Well when the tornadoes hit, he jumped out of bed to try and get a bag together and get to a shelter. He never made it. He fell to the floor in his bedroom and went into multiple system failure, dying two days later in the hospital.
This past week has been filled with nothing but death. I hope these are the last funerals I have to attend for a while.
Any followers of this blog who've read my posts on grief know already that I believe that the 'grief' of a loved one's passing from this material world is ultimately a selfish expression. And a subconsciously jealous one. Sadness they're gone from us(if we allow it to) tends to spiral into a selfish circular logic which is all about what the survivor has 'lost' and not what the recently deceased has gained. An aunt of mine said it best today, "I'll see Daddy soon and I guess I'm just jealous, really." She gave a silly laugh and smile afterward and we shared a knowing look with one another. No one else at the table got it. They looked at her slightly horrified.
I had a wonderful experience just before Mom originally called me to tell me about Grandpa's death. She woke me up from a sound sleep with her call and only a short time earlier I remember dreaming that Grandpa and I were talking. It was almost like a phone conversation but ... closer. I can't tell who initiated the 'call' but he asked me some sensitive questions; things I don't think I could have had the nerve to explain in person. He hugged me and told me that he understood everything and why I made the decisions I did and that he loves me. And, "everything is ok." More questions were asked but- it was easier and more efficient that he just take the information he wanted and then he said good-bye. I felt like he pillaged parts of my soul with that last bit but it wasn't intrusive in a bad way. Just... efficient.
I told Mom about the dream and she said she was so thankful that grandpa and I got a chance to talk. I was so sick during Easter this year that I didn't get to see him during that last holiday get-together. We made our peace with one another. I was still pretty numb that day but you know what? I had my one cry-fest and then I was done with it. I remembered what grandpa said to me and just like that- my sadness was gone. It evaporated like morning dew on grass when the sun comes up hot and bright. I felt his presence for a day or so and then he was gone, at peace at last, lying beside his wife who he'd been missing for more than twenty-six years.
From the Nag Hammadi scrolls in the Manichaean literature section, I'd like to dedicate these verses to all our loved ones:
So the kids get done with school, we pack their bags so they can go up and spend the summer with the first wife, hubby is healing and on his way back to work.... and just as I'm getting settled in to get this house in order again I get one phone call after another giving me bad news after bad news. I'm wondering when it's going to stop. Deaths happen in threes, it seems.
Last week my grandfather died at the age of 82. I just went to his funeral today. Military honors and all. It was sweltering hot, everyone was sweating through their clothes and I have to say that we were (all 150 of us) holding up quite well until the Taps was played. Then we discovered there was a severe shortage of tissues. My twelve year old niece was sitting on my mother's lap and when the three shots were fired she screamed and had to be taken to the car. She and Grandpa were close and she was just plain devastated and traumatized by the whole thing.
My nephew(by marriage) was killed in a hit-and-run this past Saturday. That funeral will be this Friday. My poor brother-in-law drank himself silly the day after it happened. Mother and I took food over and sat with him and my sister. He started yammering on and on about killing the guy who killed his son and then sobbing about how wrong he was so say such things. All I can say at this point is that our whole family has gone slightly psycho this past week.
THEN tonight, only hours after getting home from my grandfather's funeral Mom calls me and tells me that a longtime friend of ours died on Monday. He was living with family in Joplin, Missouri when the tornadoes broke out. He had cirrhosis in his liver among other things. He'd been bed bound for a while. Well when the tornadoes hit, he jumped out of bed to try and get a bag together and get to a shelter. He never made it. He fell to the floor in his bedroom and went into multiple system failure, dying two days later in the hospital.
This past week has been filled with nothing but death. I hope these are the last funerals I have to attend for a while.
Any followers of this blog who've read my posts on grief know already that I believe that the 'grief' of a loved one's passing from this material world is ultimately a selfish expression. And a subconsciously jealous one. Sadness they're gone from us(if we allow it to) tends to spiral into a selfish circular logic which is all about what the survivor has 'lost' and not what the recently deceased has gained. An aunt of mine said it best today, "I'll see Daddy soon and I guess I'm just jealous, really." She gave a silly laugh and smile afterward and we shared a knowing look with one another. No one else at the table got it. They looked at her slightly horrified.
I had a wonderful experience just before Mom originally called me to tell me about Grandpa's death. She woke me up from a sound sleep with her call and only a short time earlier I remember dreaming that Grandpa and I were talking. It was almost like a phone conversation but ... closer. I can't tell who initiated the 'call' but he asked me some sensitive questions; things I don't think I could have had the nerve to explain in person. He hugged me and told me that he understood everything and why I made the decisions I did and that he loves me. And, "everything is ok." More questions were asked but- it was easier and more efficient that he just take the information he wanted and then he said good-bye. I felt like he pillaged parts of my soul with that last bit but it wasn't intrusive in a bad way. Just... efficient.
I told Mom about the dream and she said she was so thankful that grandpa and I got a chance to talk. I was so sick during Easter this year that I didn't get to see him during that last holiday get-together. We made our peace with one another. I was still pretty numb that day but you know what? I had my one cry-fest and then I was done with it. I remembered what grandpa said to me and just like that- my sadness was gone. It evaporated like morning dew on grass when the sun comes up hot and bright. I felt his presence for a day or so and then he was gone, at peace at last, lying beside his wife who he'd been missing for more than twenty-six years.
From the Nag Hammadi scrolls in the Manichaean literature section, I'd like to dedicate these verses to all our loved ones:
Come, spirit. Death has fallen, and sickness fled away.
Let there be no desire for the house of affliction,
which is wholly destruction and anguishing death.
You were cast out from your native abode. You suffered in hell.
Come nearer in gladness. Don't turn back
to regard the shape of the bodies. See, they return
through every rebirth, and through every agony
and every choking prison where they burn and sigh.
Come nearer. Don't be fond of perishing beauty
in any of its forms. It withers
and fades like a broken rose that dries in the sun,
its grace destroyed.
Princes and dead souls lie shackled in the tomb
where all is blackness.
My soul is saved.
I am dressed in light.
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