I've been reading the Songs of Solomon and contemplating the nature of dogmatic driven guilt which is hammered into the mind of every person within ear's reach of a fundamentalist church.
Also, my own thirteen year old son inspired this post when he said Friday afternoon, "I wish I could just punch myself until I quit doing what I'm doing wrong!" He got a B on an Algebra quiz for criminey's sake. I asked what he thought beating himself up was going to accomplish and he said, "I'd wake up." That was an interesting response, and not one I was expecting. I told him that I'm not going to feed him coffee intravenously and maybe he just needed more sleep and/or to study a bit more. That didn't pacify him and he went off on a rant. Later, we read the following scripture together and talked about it.
Part of Song 11
"I threw off vanity and turned to my god,
and his bounty made me rich.
I threw off the madness of the earth;
I stripped that madness from me
and cast it away.
And the lord renewed me
in his raiment
and held me in his light.
From above he gave me uncorrupted ease,
and I was like land deep and happy in its orchards,
and the lord was sun on the face of the land."
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My conclusion is this: Not for god's sake- but for YOUR sake... stop beating yourself up!
He knows you're going to falter in your resolutions to change(and you're not always going to remember precisely how to solve a quadratic equation by factoring every time you're asked to) and He knows the past deeds you regret and are still trying to come to terms with. He knows you're human. He knows. He knows. He knows. He knows ALL. So cast off the guilt and plant his happiness in your heart and soul. That's right where he belongs.
You can move forward, accepting your stumbles along the way. The Good God doesn't want you to feel heavy hearted if you've learned a lesson thoroughly. Shed your guilt. He's not going to beat you up like a boxer on the other side of a ring. He is not an opponent! He is our closest friend, our lover, our dearest everything. He's the pure gold fondant cake topper on the thickest fudge cake in the world, a la mode with Godiva icecream. He's fine caviar, baby. He knows he's the best of everything and makes no issue of hugging the bejesus out of you any time he feels like you might need it and sometimes just because he's thinking of you. He asks for very little in return.
The chains of dogmatic based guilt are heavy and only need to be worn as long as you need to. But growing past that stage is essential. That is what he asks of us.
Have you ever held a colicky baby? Or how about had a friend or loved one who constantly beat themselves up and had nothing else to say but, "You'll never believe how I screwed up now. You gotta help me dig myself out of this hole!" There's only ever going to be a steady stream of crying and unhappiness coming from those types of people, little or big. Victims. Victims of themselves, but victims nonetheless. Victims of their short sightedness and victims of the world itself.
Growing in gnosis means growing up, period. Holding the perpetually crying infant isn't fun. Don't get me wrong, he's not going to drop your or shake you because he's annoyed--(I don't think he gets annoyed)-- but try to see things from his perspective sometime. Like a parent with a whiny kid.
No human being is ever going to be 'good enough' to see god until they shed that guilt of simply being what we are-- human.
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